by Reilly Capps

Debate is good. Presidential debates, debate societies, even Wii vs. PSP.

But one debate is not.

The “debate” over climate change is still dragging on, in every corner of the country, and every corner of your life: your dad, your co-worker, your friend. “Debaters” have dropped the argument that it isn’t happening — since it’s obvious that the world’s getting warmer, hurricanes are super-sizing, and glaciers are receding faster than my hairline. “Debaters” have retreated to the argument that it’s part of a natural cycle: we were once in an ice age and now we are not. We were once in a hot spell and now we are not. I once had a hairline and now I do not. Nature.

There is an iron-clad comeback, course: “of the scientists who study these things, roughly 100 percent — perhaps more — attribute climate change to human activity, at least in part.”

To which my friend gave his iron-clad response: “Yeah, but what do scientists know?”

Which made me rub my face very hard. Until I devised a plan:

I would follow my friend to the Jiffy Lube, and I’d argue against oil change: mechanics are wrong as often as they’re right! At the airport, I’d argue against Bernoulli and his principles: if wings make you fly, how come penguins can’t? At his dentist appointment, when the doc advised against sugar, I’d shine the overhead lamp in his eyes: wait wait wait, I’d say, aren’t cavities natural? Didn’t the Anasazi have rotten teeth — without Mars bars? Sure, 4 out of 5 dentists agree: but what about the fifth?

These are trained professionals, true. But what do they know?

I would be insufferable, boorish and smug, and I would be insufferable until the “debate” ended, either because I would convince my buddy that scientists know things or else because he would stop being friends with me, and I’d do this not only because climate change is too important to let drop but because this is one of the few debates where I’m pretty sure I’m right.

It has to sink in. If people don’t believe that climate change is driven by humans, they won’t drive smaller cars, ride their bikes, back renewable energy, slow sprawl or vote for politicians who will. And the climate will keep sizzling, the glaciers melting, until all the “debates”— and the “debaters” — are eventually drowned out. Or else simply drowned, all the way up to our receding hairlines.